A Very Elven Christmas
by BeKaMaJo
Summary: What do you get when you take Two girls on Christmas Holiday, Two Elves that don't have a clue, Two dogs, a Ferret, A Cat, put them in an empty house, and shake well? Madness.
1. Meet the Gals

HAHAHAHA! BeKaMaJo strikes for the first time!

MUAHAHAHAHA!

Sorry for the craziness. The 'Be' and 'Jo' Part of this dual account's birthday was yesterday. Yahoo for Nail Polish!

Sorry, onto the story. This is written with the Christmas/holiday spirit. Enjoy.

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This story is dedicated to Jo's dog, Kipoon. Rest in Peace, Kipoon. We love you.

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Christmas is a time of miracles and Magic. Indeed, if you really look back, that is where the whole confounded thing starts. My name is Angela Warden. I'm seventeen years old, going on eighteen this year (on the fifth, in five days), and just my luck, I get left at home for Christmas, and my birthday. It wasn't unusual, Mom and Dad usually went somewhere else for another honeymoon (I think this is their ninth), and my two older sisters are married with toddlers, and don't have enough room and don't like me enough to put me up at either of their places.

But I was allowed one friend over for the Christmas holidays. So, happy as could be, I called my best friend (and only friend) Claire Anderson. She was the same age as me, only two weeks older, and she was born on November 21st. So, you might say that she's eighteen now.

Claire and I went to a private school, and the Christmas holidays started on December first, and lasted until the Twentieth of January. As usual, I found out where my parents were going as soon as I got home (e-mail wasn't allowed at the school, and Mom's not much of a letter writer) where they were going, and when they would be back. This year it was the Bahamas, and they were going to be gone until the Twenty-Fifth of January, so Claire and I would have to go to the airport ourselves, and catch the Plane to London ourselves.

Claire, coincidentally, lives in the house across the street from mine, and her parents do the same routine as mine. We live in Salt Lake City, though I'm the only Mormon in my family, and Claire isn't. Currently, beside her strange obsessions with everything else, she has a thing with coffee. It's quite strange. She likes a double mocha cappuccino with simply mounds of whipped cream. I thought I liked whipped cream until I saw her slurping it down. It's also strange because she gets so energetic in the morning, crashes in the early afternoon, spends most of the afternoon in bed, then gets up to mooch around at night until the early hours of the morning, when I usually only stayed up until about eleven.

Anyway, Mom and Dad left as soon as I got home, saying they were off to warm parts of the world, and I called Claire. She told me that she would pack up her everyday clothes and would be over by dinnertime. So, with nothing else to do, I sorted my laundry and then put in the washer, then picking up Mairelon the Magician and starting to read. Pretty soon the Washer bell dinged and I switched loads. I was on page 122 when Claire rung the doorbell. I opened the door. Along with Claire's own dog and ferret, there was a familiar dog.

"Kipoon!" I said and kneeled down on the ground in front of my favorite (and only) dog. The German Shepard and Malamute Wolf mix barked happily started to lick my face. Misty, Claire's St. Bernard, also flung herself on me. I fell back onto the floor underneath the two large dogs. Furrito, the Ferret, looked at me in the ways ferrets do, and then jumped off Claire's shoulders, and scampered up the stairs of my house.

Claire looked beat, as she usually did this time of day, so she crashed on the couch moaning about the evils of caffeine. This was time she agreed to take her milk, which was usually was accompanied by a Tylenol for her headache, and so I grabbed the medication on my way to the living room. Kipoon and Misty followed me into the kitchen after I shoved a Tylenol down Claire's throat (literally, she hates the taste) and I had to go to the kitchen to wash my hands. I looked down at the dogs, and sensed they were hungry. Then something jumped on me.

I screamed and whipped around. It stayed on me. I reached up cautiously and felt the soft fur of Furrito.

"Confound that Ferret." I muttered after I set it on the floor, and going to fetch all the pet accessories from Claire's pet suitcase. When I saw the extra, wet, dark blue case, I groaned.

Snookums was here.

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Before I commit hari-kari, let me fill you in on Snookums. She was a four year old Persian cat with the snottiest attitude I had the unfortunate affair to come into contact with. The evil cat was meowing piteously to be let out. She was an extremely well trained cat, but I hated to do her any good. But, unwilling to be spotlighted on the next Animal Precinct, I let the fluffy white cat out.

When I let Snookums out, she gave me the snottiest 'I am SO better than you, and I'm mad at you, so look out' look I had seen in the past week. She nearly rivaled the blonde cheerleaders at my school. I was tempted to shove her back in the cat carrier and drop kick it out of the front door, but Kipoon's bark reminded me what was important. I left her Royal Majesty, Queen of the Snots in the hall, and grabbed the Dog Food, Bowls, Treats and Toys. Claire and I were notorious in the spoiling of our dogs, and enjoyed every minute of it.

After I fed the dogs, and set out Her Highness's dinner, I made Grilled Cheese Sandwiches and herb tomato soup for dinner. The snow was falling outside, and it was calm and peaceful.

For now, life was good.

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Hope you enjoyed it. Chapter two will be up shortly.

Be HAPPY!

All due respect,

BeKaMaJo


	2. Enter the Elves

December Twenty-first, 0300 hours (three a.m.) 

I stretched out on the floor beside the Christmas tree. Claire was on the couch beside me, stretched out. Kipoon was lying on my feet and I was dozing. The only lights that were on were the Christmas tree and it was so peaceful.

Suddenly, Claire spoke. "Angela, if you could wish for anything outrageous, like Legolas, what would you wish for?" Claire's eyes were still closed, her make up still plastered over her face like a mask. Ok, so maybe so it wasn't that thick, but I usually don't ever use dark makeup, or much for that matter. I wiggled my toes underneath Kipoon's thick fur. She softly yipped in indignation. Then I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling.

"Glorfindel."

She laughed softly and whispered. "Wouldn't it be totally amazing if Glorfindel and Legolas were here for Christmas?"

I smiled and laughed too. "Yeah, Claire. I wish they could come too."

We fell silent. I was nearly asleep when there was a large thump beside me. I sat up, blood rushing to my head and made my head hurt.

"OW." A male voice said, sounding from on the couch. Claire's voice sounded, sounding like thunder in an echoic room, and yet still somewhat muffled.

"You think you're hurt! YOU LANDED ON ME"

I winced at the sudden noise. Then someone touched my foot. My overly-sensitive ticklish foot. On instinct, and nothing else, I lashed out at caught the person's face with my foot.

"Ah!" A low male voice said. I squealed and scrambled up. Kipoon overcame her shock and her guard dog instincts kicked in. She backed up until she could protect me in any way possible, and growled, teeth bared.

A blonde, very cute elf with a bruise on his right cheekbone caught himself, held out his arms and said in a cautious voice, which was an adorable English accent, "Call off your dog, I mean you no harm."

By now I had grabbed my flamberge that I had bought two years ago and held it threateningly.  
"And I believe you, bozo? Now, get your buddy _off _my friend." Ok, so it sounded and looked absolutely ridiculous. Here I was, a five foot eight regular eighteen year old girl, holding a six-foot-two sword threateningly, despite the fact that I was about to drop the twenty pound thing, it was so heavy.

The blonde walked over to the couch and helped his friend, who was also very cute, off Claire. The whole time Kipoon growled menacingly, ready to pounce. Only after they were both backed up against the Christmas tree did I make Kipoon back off. I handed the shorter but stronger Claire the Flamberge and grabbed my smaller and lighter War Sword. The taller one looked over to his fellow blonde and said, "This is your fault"

The shorter one looked indignant, "How so!"

The taller one looked patiently and his buddy, "Because you were the one that said," he turned into an accurate copy of his 'friend,' "'Oh, I wish we were somewhere else. Life gets so boring around here.' Really, around the time when the Valar get bored too, it's just – ah!" Kipoon at ran at him, teeth bared, and he jumped back in order not to get bitten. She was such a tease. Kipoon had never bitten anyone before, and I didn't think she would start now.

The shorter one stepped forward. Claire thrust her Flamberge out threateningly.  
"One step further, Blondie, and I promise you won't live to see Christmas Eve."

Of course, it didn't occur to us that they were trained fighters. The taller, and what looked to be the older elf grabbed my wrist and just pulled the sword out of my fingers, then he took my arms in what felt like a vice grip and pulled a coil of rope from his belt. After he was finished, he stuffed a gag in my mouth, and then went after Kipoon. What a meat head. What annoyed me was he moved excruciatingly slow when dealing with me. All he had to do was talk to Kipoon in his weirdo Corellian type dialect. He didn't have to move fast when he worked with me. Of course, he probably knew just by looking at me it had been four years since I had done any fencing.

It took considerably more force to get Claire to settle down. She dealt the shorter man a heavy blow with the handle of her Flamberge, and then waited until he recovered. The short(er) one pulled out some sort of knife. I screamed, and forgot I had a gag in, so it resulted in me starting to choke on the ball of hanky in my mouth. The tall elf looked down at me. I don't think he realized I was choking until my nose started to turn red. So I'm wired funny, at least I didn't end my life because a piece of material was dangling down my throat. Why didn't I? Well, he undid my gag and pulled the material out of my mouth. I was glad I didn't have a cold, otherwise it would be just full of junk.

The elf spoke, "If you don't mind, little human, I would rather you survive the night"

I replied back to him, trying to look as calm as I could, despite nearly choking to death, "As long as your pal doesn't kill Claire." Claire had the short elf in a headlock. Until of course, he grabbed her legs out from under her, sending them both to the floor. Luckily they had thrown their weapons into a corner. Suddenly there was a huge bark. Misty, probably smelling trouble, bounded down the stairs, her tongue hanging out the side of her mouth. The tall elf looked at Kipoon, whom he had tied to the Christmas tree, and then at Misty. Then Misty pounced on the short elf and Claire. The two fighters screamed in shock and surprise at the huge, fluffy dog got caught up in the fight. Suddenly the doorbell rang. Everyone looked towards it. The tall elf looked toward his friend, and they both grabbed their bows. Luckily, the tall elf was in kicking range, and I kicked him a bruiser right on the shin.

"Ow!" He said. The infernal doorbell ding-donged again.  
"Untie me you infernal elf! Rouse!" I whispered fiercely. I don't think he would get the quote from Hogan's Heroes, but he did cut me loose. I ran towards the door in my bare feet, sweats and oversized pajama shirt. Thankfully I had kept a camisole on. I arranged my face, so I looked really tired, and my hair was already messy, so I opened the door to a police officer.

I yawned and looked up blearily, "Yes officer?" I yawned. A tall, burley six foot six police officer looked down at me.

"We got a call from disturbed neighbors about your dogs barking. They say someone was screaming too." I put on an innocent face.

"Oh, that was just my two dogs, Misty and Kipoon. They jumped on my bed suddenly and surprised me, and then ran around the house, barking"

"And the screaming?" Man, this guy was pushy.

"I said I was surprised…Oh, and my friend had bit too much coffee this morning, and…well, some jump scenes in movies are a bit too much for her." I said, pretending to be a ditzy girl. Hey, I practically was one, so why not?

He rolled his eyes. "Sorry ma'am. But try to keep your dogs,_ and your friend_, under control next time. Otherwise you and I are going to take a trip downtown"

I put on a huge lip splitting smile. "Alright officer. Remember, I love Pizza Hut!" I said. He turned around and walked down the snowy walk, mumbling to himself. I rolled my eyes and closed the door and then said to the dark wood door, "Don't count on it, Goliath."  
Then I turned around. Everyone was looking at me. "What?" I asked.

It turned out that Furrito had crawled up my huge shirt. Since I wasn't paying attention, and he wasn't very heavy, I hadn't noticed. Oh, and everyone was wondering why I called the door 'Goliath.' In fact, the elves wanted to know who Goliath was in the first place. I told them to ask Claire, and went to bed.

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Well? What do you think? There have been over 50 hits, and I want to know what people think. Let's just say that I won't update next until I have _at least_ 5 reviews. Man, I am such a stinker.

Well, hope you guys like this chapter, and thank you to **Zina -Mew Mew Kayaku the Neko-** for reviewing.

All due respect,

BeJo


	3. Breakfast, Anyone?

Discliamer: I don't think J.R.R Tolkien was a girl.

I know, I know, sorry for the long wait. Inspiration is inspired by desperation, right? Well, at any rate, enjoy, and please review.

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I did not sleep at all that night. And, according to the regular procedures of such, I was feeling (for lack of another word) icky. What was worse was that Claire had downed her usual coffee mixture, and was currently bouncing off the wall when I decided to join them for breakfast. I wasn't happy, and the two hunks over on the other side of the table didn't help my mood much. I stood up, walked over to the fridge, grabbed the whipped cream and went looking for bananas. When I didn't find it, I gave the offending fruit basket a glare that seemed to make it wilt.

And then Snookums appeared. I tried to suppress it, I really did, but before I knew what I was doing, my poor tired fed up self had booted the poor fluffy white cat across the kitchen. Everyone stared, and even Claire stopped bouncing while eating her chocolate covered sugar drops. I confess, I couldn't help myself, I took a piece of paper and a pen, drew a line vertically down the center, and then a horizontal line about two inches from the top and labeled one side 'Snookums' and the other 'Angie' and marked a tally under my name. Then I threw the pen and hit the tall blonde in the forehead.

Wait, did I say Blonde? I amend my statement. It was not blonde. It was more…Golden. Inspiration hit me like a lightning bolt. I grinned wickedly. Oh yes. I was evil. And the fellow Golden elf person who wore a lot of green….Yes.

World, meet Goldenrod and Leprechaun.

Of course, they were both a little confused when I started calling them that. Yes, you might have though me a nice, sober girl from last night. Of course, kicking Snookums across the room, combined with no sleep whatsoever, had hyped the diabolical psychopath in me considerably.

The first item of business was to get them dressed properly. Oh yes, there was no way we were going to go Christmas Shopping with those two dressed the way they were. So, with an impromptu lesson on the art of dressing, we stuffed them into my Parent's room and told them to change. Ok, there must be something I don't know about Elven dressing, but they took almost fifteen minutes! Ok, I admit that I take close to that myself, but half of that is used on working a brush through my snarled hair.

Of course, things didn't get any better, when I leaned on their door, and they decided to open it at exactly that instant. I found myself caught firmly in the arms of Goldenrod. I gave him a scowl and told him, "Hands off, Goldenrod."

He promptly dropped me. I hit my funny bone when I collided with the floor, and I have a condition that whenever I hit it (my funny bone), I black out for a few minutes. So…I think you get the picture. When I woke up I was in the bathtub, having been drenched by a bucket over my head. I glared at the bucketeer.

Claire sat innocently on the edge of the sink, holding the huge ice cream bucket. I was (luckily) still in my pajamas, as well as the tub, so all I did was I picked myself up, dripped my way over to my bedroom, changed into blue jeans and a white tee-shirt and walked downstairs again, purse in hand.

No, I wasn't going to pay her back, though I was tempted severely when I saw the garden hose under the kitchen sink (don't ask me why it's there, my mom just hates things lying around.)

"Claire?" I yelled. She was lying on the couch, face down. To the general populous, Claire looked like she was in a suffocating position. But then I was not the general populous. In fact, I wasn't even the corporal populous. Never mind.

Claire grunted, not willing to get up. Soon she flopped onto the floor. I walked straight by her, kicking her softly in the head.

"C'mon Claire, or else I'll take Goldenrod and Leprechaun to the mall myself." That made her sit up, her blue highlighted brown hair in disarray. Well, actually, quite frankly, she looked like she stuck her finger in an electrical socket.

"You what?" She said. I spoke not bothering to stop opening the bag of dog food.

"I'm going to the mall in," I checked my watch, "A half an hour. If you want to come, stop rubbing your head against the carpet and get ready. I'm not waiting." Claire rolled her eyes at me, and ran upstairs, muttering about moody girls with no sleep.

After I finished feeding Her Highness, the dogs and Furrito, I got my boots on. They were hiking boots, and weren't the prettiest thing in the world, but they were next to heaven in terms of comfort. Claire was ready about five minutes after that (owing to the fact that she was going curly that day and her hair actually curled.) The only problem subsequent to that was, well, convincing our pretty (annoying) elves to come out to the car. I mean come on! It's just a car!

Frankly, I don't think they trusted me with a strange vehicle. But then again, no body else did either. Even my dog hated to travel with me for that reason. But hey, I'm jinxed. Why else would a car shut off in the middle of a freeway, and then position itself to get rear-ended by a semi? Believe me, I hate it. Or more appropriately, I hate explaining everything to the police and hospital staff.

Anyway, we finally got them into the car by bribing them with carrots. Now I don't know what relationship there is with elves and carrots, but I presume that's why their eyesight was so good. But I don't know that.

The only problem once they were in the car was the fact that they didn't know how to buckle a seatbelt, and simply refused to get close enough to let us (or more appropriately me) to do the job. But finally, at long last, we rolled out of the driveway and into the street.

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AHHHH! They're going to a Mall! Since This chapter was simply the result of writer's block, If you have an idea, pleasereview me and tell me about, ok?

Thanks to everyone that reviewed! Good Luck and a Cookie to every one that reviews today!

All the best,

BeJo


	4. That Ferret!

Long time, no see, right? I hope you don't kill me for the wait.

Anyway, enjoy it. Please.

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I pulled my sunglasses onto my face, unzipped my coat, buckled my seatbelt, and hit the play button on the CD player. One of my favorite songs, Hardware Store, started blasting. Leprechaun and Goldenrod covered their ears. Grudgingly, I turned it down, but then stepped on the gas, speeding up to sixty mph (about 100 kilometers per hour). All of my passengers grabbed any and all handles. In fact, I was glad I locked the door, due to the fact that Leprechaun tried to force the door open when I hurtled around a corner without slowing down.

It was a half an hour drive to the mall, even at the speed I was going (not counting the fifteen minutes when we got lost and had to wave down a pedestrian for directions, and chase after him, because Leprechaun kept on yelling for help), and by the time we got there, Goldenrod and Leprechaun were nearly tearing up the side of the car. If anyone asked about the damage later, I would say Furrito did it. Speaking of the devil, that snitch had slipped into the car. The little rodent. After I had discovered it, I spoke rather loudly at the ferret and told it that if this incident ever happened again, I would take great delight in skinning it myself.

Then Claire started yelling at me as well, because she said I had no right to talk to her ferret that way, and then started yelling at it herself. Or until her voice got hoarse. Then I took over again.

The poor ferret was sitting in between the two elves, and cowered. The passengers of the car were lucky we were at a stoplight, because I had come to a full and complete stop. The only danger we really came into was when the light turned green and Claire stomped on my foot and floored the gas pedal at the same time, giggling madly. Or maybe she was just laughing at my surprised-as-hey expression.

Let's face it, that's one of my more prominent expressions.

I turned into the mall's parking lot and parked rather abruptly. I turned around. Furrito was looking at me innocently. I gave the offending ferret a steely glare and then told Goldenrod, "If you push the red button on the buckle of your seatbelt, then it will unbutton it.

He gave me a distrusting look, and then did as I said. I think he was surprised that I had given him valid advice. In all actuality, I didn't know what I had to gain his displeasure. Well, maybe locking them in the car had something to do with it. That's right, I had accidentally (stop laughing!) forgotten to unlock the car, since usually it's just me and Claire.

We only realized that we had forgotten Leap (Leprechaun was just too long) and Goldenrod when we entered the mall, and Claire turned around and asked where the guys were. Claire and I sheepishly crawled (ok, walked, but it was a very shamefaced walk) back to the car, and Leap and Claire held Goldenrod back as he tried to rip my throat out with his bare hands. Let's just say I'm grateful for people who go to the gym, and people who shoot arrows etc.

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I know, I know. Writer's block. Sorry. Also the fact that I was really busy and...that's no excuse.

But anyway, please review.

-BeJo

Thanks to all my reviewers!


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